養育孩子最有害的錯誤是什么? 如何避免這些錯誤?
What are the worst toxic parenting mistakes, and how do you avoid them?
譯文簡介
"Helicopter parents" 即直升機父母，這是目前國際上流行的一個新詞語。把某些"望子成龍"、"望女成鳳"心切的父母叫做 "直升機父母"--- 就像直升機一樣盤旋在孩子的上空，時時刻刻監控孩子的一舉一動。（來自網絡）
正文翻譯
What are the worst toxic parenting mistakes, and how do you avoid them?
養育孩子最有害的錯誤是什么? 如何避免這些錯誤?
評論翻譯
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Being a parent means you have to teach a human being how to survive in this crazy world of ours, so it’s pretty normal to make mistakes on that task.
I’d say some of the most common are:
Thinking that everything is like it used to be when you were young.
The world is in constant change and resilience is a key skill to have.
Being a kid today is not the same as being a kid 20 years ago. The Internet, social media, climate change, many things have taken over and things are not how they used to be.
Parents need to adapt to new circumstances and help their children be able to do the same, because the moment you get stuck in the past, you can’t move on and life becomes harder.
“That everything you see will soon alter and cease to exist. Think of how many changes you’ve already seen”
– Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
作為父母意味著你必須教一個人如何在我們這個瘋狂的世界中生存，所以在這個任務中犯錯是很正常的。
我想說一些最常見的錯誤是：
認為一切都和小時候一樣。
世界在不斷變化，適應能力是一項關鍵技能。
今天的孩子和20年前的孩子不一樣?；ヂ摼W、社交媒體、氣候變化，很多事情已經占據了主導地位，事情已經不是以前的樣子了。
父母需要適應新的環境并幫助他們的孩子也能這樣做，因為當你被困在過去的時候，你就無法繼續前進，生活變得更加艱難。
“你所看到的一切都將很快改變并不復存在。想想你已經看到了多少變化”
——馬可·奧勒留，《沉思錄》
I’m a doctor? OK, my son has to be a doctor.
Why is this still happening?
This is a very retrograde behavior than only leads to disappointments and frustration.
Let your kids decide what they want to be when they grow up. Give them all the information they can get so that they have all the options and can make an educated decision.
Remember it’s their life, not yours.
They have to live it in their own way, you’re just there to help and protect them while they can’t.
希望你的孩子成為你認為他們應該成為的人。
我是個醫生？好吧，我兒子必須是醫生。
為什么這種情況還在發生？
這是一種非常倒退的行為，只會導致失望和挫折。
讓你的孩子決定他們長大后想成為什么樣的人。給他們所有能得到的信息，這樣他們就有了所有的選擇，可以做出明智的決定。
請記住，這是他們的生活，而不是你自己的生活。
他們必須以自己的方式生活，你只是在他們做不到的時候幫助和保護他們。
原創翻譯：龍騰網 http://www.mmg13444.com 轉載請注明出處
They’re going to fail at some point, that’s part of life and it will help them grow and learn from their mistakes.
So, show them how to love failure, how to fail better next time and how good it feels to succeed after all.
Teach them to not be afraid. To be bold.
Do not put them into a bubble so that they won’t get hurt, tell them to go out there and try as many things as they can, so that they get the taste of what it is to be alive make the most of their existence.
“Because I say so” is never the right answer.
When your children are born and raised in an environment where their parents are always right and nothing can be questioned, they get the feeling the world is exactly like that.
Drop the ego. Teach your children to question everything, even yourself.
Help them grow with a state of mind that looks for the truth and the right thing to do, so that they grow to be a better person.
Encourage them to find options, to discuss points of view, to not just settle with what they hear, to respect others that think different…
“If it’s not right, don’t do it. If it’s not true, don’t say it”
– Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
沒有讓你的孩子為失敗做好準備。
他們會在某個時候失敗，失敗是生活的一部分，它會幫助他們成長，從錯誤中學習。
所以，告訴他們如何熱愛失敗，下次如何更好地失敗，以及成功的感覺究竟有多好。
教他們不要害怕。要大膽。
不要因為害怕他們受到傷害就把他們放進泡沫里，告訴他們出去嘗試盡可能多的事情，充分利用他們的存在，這樣他們才能嘗到活著的滋味。
“因為我這么說”從來都不是正確的答案。
當你的孩子在父母永遠是對的、沒有什么可以質疑的環境中出生和長大時，他們會覺得世界就是這樣。
放下自我。教你的孩子質疑一切，包括質疑你自己。
幫助他們以一種尋求真理和做正確事情的心態成長，使他們成長為一個更好的人。
鼓勵他們尋找選擇，討論觀點，而不是僅僅滿足于他們所聽到的，尊重與他們想法不同的人。
“如果不對，就不要去做。如果不是真的，就不要說"
——馬可·奧勒留《沉思錄》
This world we live in can be very cruel if you don’t get your shit together before you go out there.
Parents today, more than ever, need to prepare their children to be able to respond to anything, to any kind of person, to any event that they may face.
Children need to have as ground rules: empathy, kindness and gratitude, so that they know how to appreciate things and also how to interact better with other people so that everyone can benefit from it.
Teach them to be proactive and not reactive, so that they won’t be overwhelmed by everything around them and they will be able to live a happier life.
Also, help them understand that things are going to happen in their lives, but that it’s up them how they let those things affect them. It’s all about perception.
“Choose not to be harmed—and you won’t feel harmed. Don’t feel harmed—and you haven’t been”
– Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
忽視同理心和情商。
如果你在出去之前不振作起來，我們生活的這個世界可能會很殘酷。
今天的父母比以往任何時候都更需要讓他們的孩子做好準備，讓孩子們能夠應對他們可能面臨的任何事情、任何類型的人、任何事件。
孩子們需要有同理心、善良和感恩等基本原則，這樣他們就知道如何欣賞事物，如何與他人更好地互動，讓每個人都能從中受益。
教他們積極主動，而不是被動反應，這樣他們就不會被周圍的一切所壓倒，他們才能過上更幸福的生活。
此外，幫助他們了解生活中將要發生的事情，但如何讓這些事情影響他們，取決于他們自己。這都是關于感知的。
“選擇不被傷害——你就不會感到受到傷害。不要覺得受到了傷害——你并沒有受到傷害?！?br /> ——馬可·奧勒留，《沉思錄》
We don’t know what the future will bring, but if they know anything can happen but they can be alright and happy regardless, if they are raised in a way the no matter what happens they keep walking…
That’s when they are indestructible and they can make the most out of their lives, and I guess that’s what you want for your kids, right?
Enjoy the ride! ;)
-Israel.
養育孩子的方法只有一種，那就是讓他們做好一切準備。
我們不知道未來會帶來什么，但如果他們知道任何事情都可能發生，但無論如何，他們都能過得很好很快樂，如果他們的成長方式是無論發生什么，他們都會繼續前進……
那時候他們是堅不可摧的，他們可以充分利用自己的生活，我想這就是你想要你的孩子擁有的，對吧？
享受這個過程吧！
If you want your children to be able to function in the world don't solve all their problems for them.
Whenever you see your child struggling with a problem don't swoop in and fix it.
Step in and guide them through the problem solving process but let them do the work.
Let them think it through.
Talk them through it if you have to.
But let them figure it out with your guidance.
They will curse you for it when they're young but then they will thank you for it when they're adults.
This is especially true when dealing with conflict.
The ability to effectively resolve conflict is probably the greatest skill that any human being can learn.
Very few of the adults in our society today have that skill.
Don't be a fixer.
Be a helper and a guide.
如果你希望你的孩子能夠在世界上正常生活，不要替他們解決所有的問題。
每當你看到你的孩子遇到問題時，不要急于介入并解決它。
介入并引導他們完成解決問題的過程，但讓他們自己完成工作。
讓他們考慮清楚。
如果有必要，和他們談談。
但讓他們在你的引導下自己解決。
他們年輕的時候會為此詛咒你，但長大后他們會感謝你。
在處理沖突時尤其如此。
有效解決沖突的能力可能是任何人都可以學習的最偉大的技能。
當今社會中很少有成年人具備這種技能。
不要做解決問題的人。
做一個幫手和向導。
Don’t get caught up in healing wounds with your parents by how you raise your own. Do you ever remember saying to yourself as a child in response to an action your parents took , “When I grow up I’m never going to do this to my children”?
Well you don’t do it. But that’s about you, not your child. You never ever take that same action. Don’t expect a thank you or appreciation for not doing it with your kids. They don’t have a clue what you didn’t do. They have a completely different set of needs and issues while growing up. And rest assured, they’ll probably say to themselves at some point, in reaction to something you do, “When I grow up I’m never going to do this with my own children”
I remember a reading in an education class I took in grad school . It’s probably influenced me more than any one sentence I’ve ever read. “The best we ever can do in life is to make caring decisions.”
Rest assured you will make mistakes when parenting. No parent has ever escaped doing that. So be kind to both your children and yourself. Mistakes do happen. Please make sure you make those caring decisions in regard to both of you!
不要因為你如何撫養自己的孩子而陷入與父母一起治愈傷口的過程中。你是否記得，當你還是個孩子的時候，當你的父母對你做了某件事的時候，你會對自己說:“等我長大了，我從不會對我的孩子做這種事?！蹦悴粫@么做。但那是你的事，不是你的孩子的事。你永遠不會做同樣的事。不要因為沒有和你的孩子一起做這些事而期待別人的感謝或感激。他們根本不知道你沒做什么。他們在成長過程中有著完全不同的需求和問題。我可以肯定的是，他們可能會對自己說，當你做了一些事情的時候，“等我長大了，我永遠不會對我自己的孩子這樣做?！?br /> 我記得我在研究生院的教育課上讀過一篇文章。它對我的影響可能超過我讀過的任何一句話?！拔覀円簧心茏龅淖詈玫氖虑榫褪亲龀鲇袗坌牡臎Q定?！?br /> 請放心，在養育孩子時，你會犯錯。沒有父母能不犯錯。因此，請善待你的孩子和你自己。錯誤確實會發生。請確保你對你們倆人都做出了關心的決定！
Giving your child the silent treatment. Always talk through issues with your kids and always validate their feelings. Not doing so is neglect and can lead to mental health issues.
Don’t be an absent parent. They need you in their lives, not just to clothe and house and provide food. They need your time and attention.
Don’t assume that your child knows you love them. Tell them everyday what they mean to you and how wonderful they are. Give lots of hugs. Build them up with love so they know they are worthy.
Researchers studied 6 chimpanzees from birth. Each was given their own space/cage and received food and water each day but no contact with their mother or others. Within 6 months all of the chimpanzees died. The lack of love and affection killed them. I can’t quote the source as this was shared with me by my psychiatrist.
給你的孩子無聲的治療?？偸呛湍愕暮⒆佑懻搯栴}，總是認可他們的感受。不這樣做就是忽視，可能會導致心理健康問題。
不要做一個缺席的父母。他們在生活中需要你，而不僅僅你是給他們提供衣服，房子和食物 。他們需要你的時間和關注。
不要假設你的孩子知道你愛他們。每天都告訴他們，他們對你意味著什么，他們有多棒。多多擁抱他們。用愛培養他們，讓他們知道自己是值得的。
研究人員研究了6只黑猩猩（從黑猩猩出生起就對其進行了研究），每只都有自己的空間/籠子，每天都有食物和水，但沒有與它們的母親或其他人接觸。6個月內所有的黑猩猩都死了。缺乏愛和親情殺死了它們。我不能引用消息來源，因為這是我的心理醫生告訴我的。
Believing that your children should behave as you think they should. They are their own person as a result of genetics and personality temperament. Whatever you hope they'll be isn't reality. The other is to expect them to think like you and live by your same belief system that you try to teach them.
Parents can overreact when their child does something they perceive as wrong like not saying hi to the person that walked into the room or when they accidentally spill milk on the table. They may say something such as “say hi!” or “why don’t you pay attention to what you're doing and be careful!” Yet the expectation that they should behave a particular way exists only in your mind.
They shouldn't be anything that you think they should be. They are their own person and will behave as they are. To tell them they are wrong for behaving a certain way is to send them the message that something is inherently wrong or bad within them. A child will internalize the words and messages of their parents and that’s how negative core beliefs are formed.
認為你的孩子應該按照你的想法行事。由于遺傳和個性氣質的原因，他們就是他們自己。無論你希望他們將來成為什么都不現實。另一種是期望他們像你一樣思考，并按照你教給他們的信念去生活。
父母可能會對孩子做了一些他們（父母）認為是錯誤的事情反應過度：比如沒有向走進房間的人打招呼，或者他們（孩子）不小心把牛奶灑在桌子上。他們（父母）可能會說諸如“打個招呼！”或者“你為什么不注意你在做什么，小心點！”之類的話。 然而，孩子應該以特定方式行事的期望只存在于你的腦海中。
他們（孩子）不應該是你想的那樣。他們是他們自己，他們會按照自己的方式行事。告訴他們，他們的某種行為是錯誤的，就是向他們傳遞這樣一個信息：他們內在的某些東西是錯誤的或壞的。孩子會內化父母的話和信息，這就是消極核心信念形成的方式。
Experience your child as you would an adult. Get to know them for who they are, listen to them when they share what's important to them no matter how trivial or unimportant it may seem. Become their friend rather than a tyrannical parent. If you develop that friendship when they're little, then they will keep sharing their experience with you as they grow older.
Don't judge what they say or do if it's something you perceive as bad or wrong but show them compassion and understanding. Them experiencing compassion and love through you will help them to practice compassion towards themselves when they feel they've made a mistake and feel sorrow and regret. Create the space to hold their emotional experience from a non judgmental and compassionate perspective.
我不是說讓他們為所欲為，規則和界限很重要。不合適的是，父母不斷地試圖控制孩子的行為，沒有留下讓孩子發揮個人能動性、為自己思考和行動的空間?！爸鄙龣C父母”試圖控制孩子的一舉一動，其結果往往是孩子在青少年時期叛逆?；蛘吣銜幸粋€非常依賴他人的孩子，之后你會問自己，為什么他們和一個虐待控制狂在一起，卻沒有意識到是你的“養育”使他們習慣了這種行為。
像對待成人一樣對待你的孩子。了解他們是誰，在他們分享對他們來說重要的事情時傾聽他們，無論這些事情看起來多么瑣碎或不重要。成為他們的朋友而不是專橫的父母。如果你在他們小的時候就建立了這種友誼，那么他們會隨著年齡的增長不斷與你分享他們的經歷。
如果你認為他們說的或做的是不好的或錯誤的，不要去評判他們，而要向他們表示同情和理解。當他們覺得自己犯了錯誤，感到悲傷和后悔時，他們通過你體驗到同情和愛，這將幫助他們同情自己。要從非評判性和富有同情心的角度創造空間來保持他們的情感體驗。
I agree with the parenting skills suggested by other writers here, as far as allowing and encouraging your children to think for themselves, and also avoid being overly judgmental. But I don’t think this is the worst toxic parenting mistake a person can make.
In my view, the worst toxic parenting mistake is not being yourself as a parent. As a parent, you are the first example of what children will intimately become to know as an adult. Your own strengths and weaknesses need to be genuine and based on conviction; your children need to see their adult parents make mistakes, and to see how their parents fix their mistakes.
Nobody is born as a fully grown adult, and no parent is an expert at parenting until their children are fully grown.
Whatever the parent thinks is important for their children, that is what they should provide for their children, even if it turns out to be wrong. As parents make mistakes, they can then fix their own mistakes and demonstrate to their children that the kids too can make mistakes in life and fix them.
A parent who steps back and lets their children raise themselves is depriving their children of much needed challenges and adventure. If a parent is good at a trade and wants to raise their child to take over that trade, there is nothing wrong with starting with that plan. You can’t really know whether your child would like this opportunity, or not, until they have had a chance to experience it.
我同意其他回帖者人建議的育兒技巧，允許并鼓勵你的孩子獨立思考，同時避免過度評判。但我認為這不是一個人可能犯的最有害的養育錯誤。
在我看來，作為父母，最嚴重的有害養育錯誤是不做你自己。作為父母，你是孩子長大成人后會親密了解的第一個例子。你自己的長處和短處必須是真實且基于信念的。你的孩子需要看到他們成年的父母犯錯，并看到他們的父母如何糾正他們的錯誤。
沒有人生來就是一個完全成熟的成年人，也沒有父母在孩子完全長大之前是育兒專家。
父母認為對孩子重要的任何東西，都是他們應該為孩子提供的，即使事實證明是錯誤的。當父母犯錯時，他們可以糾正自己的錯誤，并向他們的孩子示范，孩子在生活中也會犯錯并改正。
袖手旁觀型家長讓自己的孩子自食其力，這種行為剝奪了他們的孩子非常需要的挑戰和冒險精神。如果父母擅長一門手藝，想讓他們的孩子繼承這門手藝，從這個計劃開始并沒有什么錯。你沒法真正知道你的孩子是否喜歡這個機會，直到他們有機會體驗它。
As a parent, I had decidedly conservative views, and when I was asked about my views, I explained them as I saw fit. But I taught my kids to think for themselves, even if it meant to disagree with my views. My daughter ended up being a State Legislative Page, an International Exchange Student to China, and a page to Senator in Washington, D.C.
For the most part, my kids lives were pleasant, but not always so, which is the same for everyone else. I didn’t change my views and lifestyle to fit into my children’s lives, I made it clear that they could have their own life when they came of age, but when they lived in my house, they were my responsibility, and there were rules to live by. It gave them something to look forward to; and it also showed them that I have a life that I am satisfied with.
Both of my children are now either a young parent, or a parent to be, and they are also now about to demonstrate their own adventure of becoming expert parents. I wish them both well and just sit back to see how they do it. How they raise their children is entirely their decision.
There is no absolute right or wrong plan a parent can make. We don’t know how people will react in different situations until we are in those situations, which is why we need to just be ourselves and learn through the process.
當我撫養我的兩個孩子時，我開始讓我的孩子接觸許多我感興趣的經歷，讓他們看到我在樹林里散步、劃獨木舟、滑雪、有機園藝、種植草藥和騎摩托車時的快樂和滿足感。我女兒熱愛體育活動，長大后成為一名滑翔機飛行員、徒步旅行者，并通過非政府組織幫助他人環游世界。她還獲得了博士學位。我兒子原來很喜歡騎自行車，渴望騎著自行車周游全國，他對用牙簽做模型很感興趣，而我對這一點都不感興趣。他現在在日本沖繩擁有一家自行車店。
作為家長，我的觀點絕對保守，當被問及我的觀點時，我會按照我認為合適的方式進行解釋。但我教我的孩子獨立思考，即使這意味著不同意我的觀點。我女兒最后成了一名州議員，一名到中國的國際交換生，一名華盛頓特區的參議員。
在大多數情況下，我的孩子們的生活是愉快的，但并非總是如此，其他人也一樣。我沒有改變我的觀點和生活方式來適應我孩子的生活，我明確表示他們長大后可以擁有自己的生活，但是當他們住在我家時，他們是我的責任并且需要遵守一些規則。它給了他們一些期待，這也讓他們知道我有一種我很滿意的生活。
我的兩個孩子現在要么是年輕的父母，要么是即將成為的父母，他們現在也將展示自己成為專家父母的冒險。我祝他們兩個都好，只是坐下來看看他們是如何做到的。如何撫養孩子完全由他們自己決定。
父母制定的計劃沒有絕對的對錯。我們不知道人們在不同的情況下會有什么反應，直到我們處在那些情況下，這就是為什么我們需要做自己并通過這個過程學習。
One thing is the most toxic parenting behiviour, is ignoring the fact that children have personalities and insisting on makinh them the way the parents want. In other words customize the children the way you want them to be not the way they naturally can be.
It is true that children needs to have manners and need to be protect from the unknown dangers for them that the obxtive of raising children after all, but there is parents who demolish the personality of their children and think they own them not thinking that children are persons too and have distinct personality.
By thinking parents own their children the parents control and interact with every move the child make not losing that control behiviour gradually when child grow more, that make the parents design their children the way they want them to be not the way the child need or should be.
Also with over controlling child personality they kill his natural talents and independence making the child more clingy to his parents with low self-esteem and low self-confidence making their child more vulnerable and he find himself helpless in danger or unknown situations and making the room for grow for him little to absent.
We need teach children manners and good behiviour but also we need make a room for them to learn by themselves and have natural independence, we need by the time the child grow decrease control level but increase teaching them manners not by force but by letting them discover that his parents were right after all.
最有害的養育行為，就是忽視孩子有個性的事實，堅持讓他們成為父母想要的樣子。換句話說，讓孩子按照你希望的方式成長，而不是他們天生的樣子。
的確，孩子們需要有禮貌，需要保護他們免受未知的危險，畢竟，這是養育孩子的目的。但也有一些父母摧毀了孩子的個性，這些父母認為他們擁有孩子（把孩子當自己的所有物），而不認為孩子也是個性鮮明的人。
認為父母擁有他們的孩子，父母控制著孩子的一舉一動并與之互動。孩子長大后父母并沒有逐漸放松控制，父母把孩子設計成他們想要的樣子，而不是孩子需要或應該成為的樣子。
此外，過度控制孩子的個性會扼殺他的天賦和獨立性，使孩子更加依賴父母，自尊心和自信心低，孩子更容易受到傷害，他發現自己在危險或未知情況下無助和幾乎沒有讓他成長的空間。
我們需要教孩子禮貌和良好的行為，但我們也需要給他們一個空間讓他們自己學習并擁有天生的獨立性，我們需要在孩子成長的時候降低控制水平，但要增加教他們禮貌，不是強制而是讓他們發現他的父母畢竟是正確的。
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